I Sort Lady Gaga Songs Into Hogwarts Houses For Some Reason

This is one of those Harry Potter posts I mentioned I might start putting up here. I was inspired by Jenna’s link to indefatigable filkists Not Literally‘s pretty adorable House Anthems. They’ve made “Sorted This Way,” “We R Slytheryns,” and “Gryffindor” which I thought was going to be a filk of Katy Perry’s “Firework,” but is actually based on “California Girls,” which turns out to be a better fit for Gryffindor’s jock aesthetic (despite the original video being set in a bizarre Candyland horrorscape).*

I decided to figure out where some of my favorite Lady Gaga songs would be Sorted if they took human form and went to Hogwarts. And I decided to post it here so that I wouldn’t clog up the comments too much.

Anyway, here are a few Gaga Songs, Appropriately Sorted For Your Reference:

Born This Way

Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set

Of course “Born This Way” is pure Hufflepuff, despite the invocation of bravery – with its clumsy inclusiveness and anthemic hug-circle affirmation, it’s every Hufflepuff post-game, pre-Habitat for Humanity party in a song.

Bad Romance

I want your Psycho, your Vertigo shtick

Some of the Slytherins think this song should have ended up in their House just because it has “revenge” in it, but its snooty film-theory swagger and flurry of references to mid-century Muggle artifacts like Double Indemnity and From Here to Eternity makes it a perfect fit for the culture-studies geeks at Ravenclaw.

The Edge of Glory

Another shot before we kiss the other side, I’m on the edge of something final we call life

A thrill-seeking dance song with just a dash of existential fatalism – so there was never any doubt that it would end up in GRYFFINDOR!

Poker Face

Love game, intuition, play the cards with spades to start, and after he’s been hooked I’ll play the one that’s on his heart

Unlike basically anyone who ever turns up in Harry Potter, this song represents the not-so-genocidal side of Slytherin – razor-sharp social intelligence, unashamed awareness of its own talents and skills, and a sense of fun coolly contained within an overwhelming will to win – whatever winning entails.

Judas

I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cruel, but I’m in love with Judas, baby

[SPOOOIIILLLLLLEERRRRSSSSSSSS]

*Oh, I just found out there’s a Ravenclaw one, too, thought it’s not quite as good? Like the Ravenclaws should have more complex insults for the other houses than “lame,” in their House Anthem if not 100% of the time in real life. I do love the one shot of a book with lots of underlining in purple ink, though.

 

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